You Mean, Besides the Cancer?

Carole and I met because of music. I could not begin to count the number of hours we have spent together in rehearsals of one kind or another.

For non-musicians out there, rehearsal is where the magic is born and the conductor makes his money. In many cases, the performance itself is a let down because the creative process can be so wonderful, almost additive, especially when shared by so many.

Eventually, the leader says, “Once more, from the top!”, and that means it’s time to step back from the details and run the piece from the beginning with all the changes and new ideas in place. In other words, let’s see what our efforts have produced.

Tomorrow will start another round of chemotherapy for us.

I say “us”, but it’s her who will be hooked up to a pump and endure the poison cocktail and its many after effects.

My half of “us” will be deeply concerned, carefully watching, and giving the best care that I can, just like last time. I also openly admit that all those words added together don’t even begin to describe the feeling of impotence that I will feel while she suffers over the coming months.

This time, I hope, will be easier for her. We’ve been through a round of chemo, and we think we know what to expect. Moreover, she is stronger than she has been in months, thanks to being off of chemo for four weeks and her mom’s cooking. Mom is scheduled to return sometime later this summer, by which time the chemo doses will have added up and have knocked her daughter down to that low point when we ask ourselves if it’s worth it, or if the doctor really knows what my wife is going through. The answers are yes, it’s worth it, and very much yes; our doctor is very aware of what the drugs are doing to my wife.

Those are the most difficult times for me, the times when I constantly ask myself if there is anything more I can do and the answer is no.

Hopefully, Mom will have better answers than me. Moms usually do.

So for us, we will be taking it from the top and learning if we learned anything from the first round of chemo. There certainly have been changes in both of us since we walked into the infusion center as rookies, but I’m not sure that anything we’ve learned will matter. Chemo has a way of humbling even the most experienced families.

Nevertheless, this time “us” is three, not two people, and that in itself could be a big difference.

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