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A Caregiver’s Valentine

Carole

When we first met, we were just like what the world imagines love to be. We could not wait to steal even a single moment away together. It was all about being half, then whole. You rose like the sun and filled the hole in me daily. How did you find the darkest corners of me and drench them in hope and optimism? With you, I could do anything, be anyone I imagined I could be.

Now, I sit in an exceptionally lonely and mostly silent vigil by your hospital bed.

This confirms what I have known all along. I am powerless without you.

I could not stop the cancer. I could not love you through to a miracle. I even had to call hospice for help when your comfort and dignity were at their lowest.

 I have never been more weak, or vulnerable. Or worthless.

My love for you is not dormant, but it feels so impotent. I am ashamed of it.

I will never feel like a fool for loving you, but I do feel exceptionally silly when I think back on those difficult times I promised you we could make it through. I was not lying, I believed every word of it then, but I would be reluctant to make such promises now. 

Medicine has failed us, and God is a liar.

You are the best part of me, but you only survive by taking mountains of pain meds while what is left of me suffers on.

The two things I dread now are watching you in pain and my reflection in the mirror. I had hoped that somehow I had become worthy of protecting you.

I failed.

Miserably.

On this Valentine’s Day 2014, I only ask for one thing.

Your forgiveness.

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2 Responses to “A Caregiver’s Valentine”

  1. Jan Boling says:

    There are no words that express how your words move me. So be still my friend; listen, wait and try to feel the encouragement and comfort you so deserve.

  2. I wish I could wrap my arms around the both of you today.

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